Taking my life back

Moving was a very hard decision for me. I was really torn about what to do. Although I wanted to stay home and continue my life I knew that I needed to be with my family. I wanted no parts of Arizona but knew I would never forgive myself if I did not help my family. I’ve heard the quotes “When God wants you to grow he makes you uncomfortable” and “I ask God to protect me from my enemies and I started losing friends” plenty of times but they never hit home until now.                                                                        

I was so uncomfortable here. In Columbus I had to the opportunity to hide form my problems. I did not have to face what was bothering me. I pretended it didn’t happen, or they didn’t mean it. I stayed busy with toxic habits and people. Once I moved and I did not have the leisure of “pretending it didn’t happen” my anxiety took over. I had to deal with my issues. I had to accept that I allowed toxic people to influence my life. I allowed toxic situations to control my life. I was allowing someone whom I haven’t spoken to in almost two years run my life.

I had to take back my life.

STEP 1

Counseling: I started seeing a counselor here in Arizona. This is the best decision I ever made. She’s helping me put happy Samantha back together and shes helping me build a life here in Phoenix. Her advice and exercises have really made me reevaluate my life.

I thank God that he has given me the strength for this journey.

Update: I am officially employed! I currently work par-time for Buffalo Wild Wings as their guest experience coordinator. Starting August 5th I will also be working for Eagle College Preparatory School as their educational assistant(post coming soon). I am very thankful for both of these jobs! I know it will be tiring but I honestly love working and can’t wait for the money to start rolling innnnn!

xo ♥ S

Noni

Netflix recently added Beyond the Lights to its amazing catalog of movies. Now I’ve been doing looottss of Netflixing lately and could not wait to watch this movie. When the promo tour for Beyond the Lights began last fall I was super excited. See, I am a sucker for love so I love romantic movies. My heart beats super hard when the two characters give up their pride and admit they are in love! I just love watching people in love (yes, I know these movies are fictional stop trying to kill my vibe!). But when this movie released in theaters I was in the middle of my final semester of college (talk about busy!) between assignments, football games, and being a broke college kid (it literally takes a small fortune to go see a movie) I did not get to see it. So thank you Netflix for allowing me this opportunity on today!

In the movie Noni is an up and coming biracial popstar. Kaz, a police officer, saves her from an attempted suicide. You know the drill they fall in love, their parents tyr to tear them apart and a big fight breaks out. Well the two of them runaway to Mexico to hide out for a few days. One morning Noni wakes up first and picks up a knife. I honestly was afraid she was going to attempt suicide again but she started to cut out her weave. You see tracks starting to fall and then the camera cuts to Kaz who is waking up. Noni nervously comes out of the bathroom with a head full of beautiful curls. Kaz smiles and gives her a chillingly beautiful look. He then plays in her hair and she smiles. He loved her hair.

HE LOVED HER HAIR!

I thought this scene was beautiful. Hair in a black or half black woman’s world is such a touchy subject. Society will tell us our hair is nappy, kinky, and unprofessional. Black men will praise women with “good hair” (waves) and bash those with a tighter curl pattern(or frizz like me).  Majority of black woman relax, straighten, and weave their hair to please others ( I said MAJORITY and not all ).

I once dated someone who would ask me  “are you going to do your hair?”  if I wore it curly. That bad influence made me feel like my curls were ugly. Well I promised myself that I would never date someone who considered my curls (which take forever to tame and untangle so the answer to his question is MY HAIR IS ALREADY DONE) ugly. That scene reminded me of this promise I made to myself.

Regardless if you’re relaxed, naturally wavy, naturally straight, naturally curly, naturally kinky, or naturally frizzy (ME) hair is important to woman. Long hair is sexy, beautiful, and feminine. Well Samantha cut all of her hair off. I have been rocking an asymmetrical curly cut (I still had a little bit of hair to hide behind)  for a few months but two days ago I stepped into a Great Clips and had them chop it all off. Cutting all of your hair off is such a liberating experience (this is my third time rocking a short do so I would know). I can always feel baggage floating away after a big chop. It’s such a great feminist experience to think “I do not need this hair!” “I do not need society’s standards of beauty!” “I do not need to hide my face with this hair, SHOW IT OFF”. Well this last for about a hour until those “WHAT DID I DOOOOO, I LOOK LIKE A BOY” regret thoughts kick in. The only thing I could think about this morning was “I need a weave”. Although I might need this weave for other reasons, fitting in is not one. I’ve learned to accept these curls and refuse to let anyone diminish them so why can’t I do this with my short do? Well I’m going to try.  Confidence looks better than anything else.

Samantha’s short curly hair guide                                                                                         Mixed Chicks leave in conditioner                                                                                         Eco styler gel                                                                                                                               Brush                                                                                                                                           Colorful bandannas

p.s. I will probably still get that weave only to give my hair a rest from wetting it so much.

xo ♥ S

Human Development and Family Sciene

I am a graduate from The Ohio State University. As great as that sounds (and feels) when I say it, what does it really mean? That actually depends on what day you ask me.

Some days it means absolutely nothing to me. I feel like my degree is just a piece of overly priced paper. Where’s my job? Where’s my paid vacation? Where’s my salary, not hourly pay? Now many people are reading this and thinking “I know this girl did not think she would graduate and get a job immediately!”.  Yes, I did. I believed, like most college grads, that a job would fall into my lap that made great money. I could get a car, pay my loans,and shop til I dropped.  Obviously that did not happen.  Why did I waste my time going to school? Was there a point?

Other days it means accomplishment. I completed something many can’t. There were so many time that I wanted to walk away but somehow found the strength to finish. It’s crazy to think that lil Samantha has a bachelors degree.

Everyday it means pride. When I wake up I am proud to be a buckeye. Not only am I an Alumna of The Ohio State University (home of THE wrestling and football National Champs) my mother is as well. Ohio state is a tradition. Ohio State is home. We bleed scarlet and gray. I will miss walking High Street on fall Saturday mornings. I will miss singing Carmen Ohio with the band and football team. My four (and a half) years at OSU were the best years of my life. My graduation day was the best day of my life.  I hope my kids follow in my footsteps and choose to become buckeyes (going for three generations of grads!)

I often stare at my degree and have the thought “Where are you going to take me?” I have no idea what the answer is but I need to learn to relax and enjoy the journey.

xo ♥ S

Running

Past                                                                                                                                Growing up I hated running. In gym class I would try to come up with excuses for why I shouldn’t run. “Teacher, I have cramps” “Teacher, I have asthma” “Teacher, my knee hurts”.  Sometimes these excuses worked and sometimes they didn’t. Running annoyed me. It was a waste of my time. Being naturally skinny I also did not see the need of living  a fit lifestyle.

Present                                                                                                                          Growing up in a black baptist church I have heard the old saints say ” Young folk you may not understand but live a little bit longer” I know they were referring to God’s goodness but it also applies to my view on running. Now I love to run. I try to run everyday. It’s such a release. As an asthmatic its such a blessing to be able run and still breathe properly. I can remember my first run it was during undergrad at The Ohio State University (don’t you ever forget the THE). I ran around campus and literally felt like I was crushing all of my problems. I ran to escape. I ran to save my life. I will not lie and say I consistently ran after that but when life becomes unbearable( and the Ohio weather was playing nice) I make an effort to put on my running shoes and hit the pavement. It keeps my fit, it keeps my sane.  It happens more often now.

Future                                                                                                                                            I hated running and now I love it. I hate Arizona but maybe one day I grow to like it.  Included is a picture of my new favorite running spot.

P.s. I listened to a snippet of my favorite country song another day.Not the whole thing but enough to satisfy.

xo ♥ S

Black American Dad Story

“And my father living in Memphis now he can’t come this way
Over some minor charges and child support that just wasn’t paid
Damn, boo-hoo, sad story, black American dad story” -Drake

Happy Fathers Day! As a lover of ALL holidays (you should see me at Christmas guys!!!) I’m always up to celebrate anything. Unfortunately my dad is not here in Arizona with us. He will not move here for another few months.

I have always been super appreciative of my father. Hes a true follower of Christ. He’s an awesome father and husband. He’s the hardest worker that I know. One of the sweetest people that I have the pleasure of knowing. I truly am thankful for him.  In a world where so many individuals grow up not knowing their fathers or ever seeing their fathers I refuse to take him for granted. SO many people do not have the amazing blessing that I am unworthy of receiving.

God.                                                                                                                                                   My father is a true baptist deacon. He loves the Lord with all of his heart. He knows he word and carries it in his heart. He prays anywhere and everywhere. At dinner the food might get cold because of the length of his blessing (there’s that dry humor I warned you about). I’ve seen the devil try to break him down but he is resilient in his following of Christ. Four years ago both of his parents went to be with the Lord. This tragedy happened so quick and forever changed his life. Although times became rough for us he was steadfast and unmovable.

Father and Husband                                                                                                                 My dad LOVES being a dad or he’s a really good actor. He gives my sister and I time and love. A  girls dad is the first man that she will ever love. He shows her what love is and how she deserves to be treated. My father has given Samara (my little sister ) and I a perfect example of how a man loves a women. I will probably regret saying this later but the only thing I think my dad loves more than being a dad is being a husband. One of my favorite daddy quotes is “The Best Thing A Father Can Do For His Children Is To Love Their Mother”. MY DAD LOVVEESSS MY MOM. The way he looks at her, the way he cares for her, the way he respect hers is something to strive for. No he is not the perfect husband but you can tell he tries his hardest!

Work                                                                                                                                                  Man can my dad work. He overworks himself and loves it. I have never met anyone who loves work as much as my dad. I’ve seen him work multiple jobs with crazy hours all in order to provide for us. He will do any and everything to make sure we live comfortably.

My parents are great at being parents. They are super supportive and loving. Neither one of them have ever missed ANYTHING. They attended every recital, game I cheered in, all while maintaining full-time jobs. They practiced tough love sometimes but I an appreciative of it now. Both of them knew the importance of representation in the home and provided that. I had baby dolls and barbie dolls of all colors and they’ve encouraged me to love my naturally curly (or unruly depending on the amount of conditioner I use) hair.

I promise to love my dad forever and to never take him for granted. Happy Fathers Day Keith Samuel Williams 

xo ♥ S

Country

Today I had a hard time picking a topic to discuss.  What shall I complain about today? There are so many things going on in my life that I could discuss. My hair, the move, how tired I am, how Orange Is The New Black only making episodes once a year really irks me, etc.etc.etc.etc.

I decided to not complain today (I know what you’re thinking “Samantha, stick to what you’re good at and write another blog complaining about your life” but guess what frands, there’s always tomorrow)

Although, I have mentioned “Not having friends” many times that is not entirely true. There is a girl that i attended OSU with who lives in a nearby town. BUUTTT I get the feeling of intruding easily. She has her own life that I do not want to impose on. Nevertheless we went to a club in Scottsdale last night. It was nice to see a familiar face (not including my family), it was nice to hear some hip-hop music, it was nice to get dressed up. By the end of the night my feet were killing (why didn’t anyone stop me from buying those new trendy, strappy open toe heels?) . I came home late and slept the whole morning. I felt normal. No caving walls. NO discouraging thoughts. Nothing.

But last night did make me miss something…. I missed my country music. Last night in the midst of all that hip-hop I really wanted a country song. Finding hip-hop to listen to is easy. All you need is a beat that bumps good in the speaker. The lyrics do not matter. Where is my favorite country song? Why has it been so long since I’ve heard its voice? I love the substance of it. I miss it. I wanted to play it on the way home but I couldn’t.  It reminds me too much of home and change. I settled for a meaningless hip-hop lyric that rang through my speakers.

It could all be so simple.

LOL at myself… this post did not go the way I planned but neither is my life.

xo ♥ S

Finding peace

My routine has changed. Two short weeks and things have drastically changed. I am no longer working 40 hours. I no longer eat disgusting foods. I religiously run every morning.  I wear my hair curly/unruly everyday. I love Kale. I drink three smoothies a day. I constantly drink water. For the first time in three years I live full time with my family. I am attached to my laptop. I consult myself instead of others when a problem arises. I am not constantly checking social media or uploading as often. I found out my cars gas range is actually 400 not 200 ( apparently if I continue pumping gas after it clicks it fills up more, whooaaa). I have changed.

I packed a five bedroom house up in  three days took a two hour break and then drove from Ohio to Arizona (can you say superwomen?). The very next day I went on an interview and was offered a job. Then the next day I started my training. I did not take time to adjust to Arizona weather. I did not give  myself a resting day. I did not allow myself to adjust to the time change (three hours sounds simple but BOY is it tiring). I did not allow myself to adjust to a new surrounding. I did not drink enough water.

I worked. I slept. I ate. I was sad. I watched Netflix. I attempted to make sure everyone involved in this moved was as sad as me. I felt depressed. I felt like the walls were caving in. I became sick, mentally and physically. Everything felt like a darkhole. I stopped going to work due to my exhaustion. I felt horrible. I let my new employer down. I was a failure.

Well after a binge session of Orange Is The New Black season 3 something changed. I had a dream that a friend form Ohio passed away. In the dream I had no remorse, no sadness, no feeling. I did not cry or even feel the need to attend the funeral. Although I knew it was dream and that I could never be that cruel I did a big crying session once I woke up. I cried alone and to my mom, which ended with one of my typical “NO ONE CARES ABOUT MY FEELINGS” lines.  I showed the symptoms that I wish I would have shown in my dream. I knew then that I was carrying hate in my heart.

Hate for Gilbert. Hate for Arizona, Hate for failed friendships. Hate for failed relationships. Hate for Lupus. As a Christian you are taught to never hate anyone. I struggle with that concept. We should give all of our problems to God and pray during hard times. He will give us serenity. Well Samantha was not doing that. I was holding everything in and blackening my heart (hopefully someone other than me out there watches Once Upon A Time). I am not going to lie to you and say I actually let ALL my situations go but I am attempting to learn how.

Samantha’s Let Go, Let God steps

1.Pray (or meditate or sit in silence depending on your personal preference no judgment here!)

2. STOP thinking about it (literally open TMZ  whenever you’re reminded of something that makes your sad and I bet you’ll find a laugh)

3. Find a hobby (I like running, blogging, reading, and watching Netflix)

4. Limit social media stalking (be real, we all do it)

5. Listen to your MAMA (she knows all)

6. Learn some breathing techniques (in and out Samantha, in and out)

xo ♥ S

Week 2

Okay, I am a true buckeye. I was born and raised in Columbus,Ohio (well raised in Pickerington,Ohio a suburb twenty minutes from Columbus but you get the point). I LOVE the state of Ohio. 6 days of the week you can catch me in Ohio State or Browns or Cavs apparel. I love the small town feel of Columbus. I have a love/hate for the constant weather changes. I love how High Street is filled with scarlet and gray on a fall Saturday. I love the taste of Columbus’s famous bakery shop Reschs. So basically, I am just a proud Ohio gal.  So you can imagine when my family moved to Gilbert, Arizona two short weeks ago it was a culture shock. From the 100 plus temperatures, to houses not having basements (not that I ever actually used a basement for any purpose), to not finding my favorite conditioners in stores Arizona was just different.

Let me catch you up. My mother was diagnosed with Lupus one short year ago. My family has moved to Arizona to help improve her health. Now I’ve never been a person to “like” change but this was truly over the top to me. I would now be 27 hours from home. 27 hours from my friends. 27 hours from my church. 27 hours from walking into Target and getting my favorite conditioner. 27 hours from every store selling buckeye appeal. 27 hours.

I knew things would be different and I had a hard time weeks up to the move. I had countless anxiety attacks and tantrums but bottom line was I need my mom and she needs to get better.  From the moment I announced I would be moving I knew nothing would ever be the same. I have never been one to have many friends but tried to make it count with the ones that I did have. Quality over quantity. I imagined countless facetimes and text messages about my experience here, each friend laughing at my goofy moments (I tend to get lost and find new adventures)(Thank God my new car has a built in GPS).  I quickly realized that this was not happening. Those who I knew would be here for me aren’t. For a few days I felt dropped, like I had been thrown away. Were all of my friendships a lie? No one has checked on me. I knew this would happen but I never expected within my first week my messages would go ignored. I was initially angry until a few messages started rolling in. I realized real friendships with withstand the distance and that doesn’t mean those who dropped me were never my friends. Their lives had to move on without me and for some people ignoring your existence is easier than replying to you.

“Some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come for a season. You got to know which is which, and you always gonna mess up when you mix them seasonal people up with lifetime expectations…some people get married to people who they was only supposed to be with for a season. That was a person that was supposed to come and teach you one thing” 

I believe Tyler Perry said it best with that quote. In life many people are desperate to not be alone. Whether its staying in a toxic friendship or relationship we keep people around just to have someone. (Sidebar: if you are reading this and feel it is personal about you DO NOT take it as a dis). By no means am I or have I ever been the perfect friend. I can get angry easy but I am also extremely sensitive. It can be difficult to tell if I am joking or being serious (thanks to my very dry humor). There is a possibility that I have served my seasonal purpose in their lives and that is okay. I’ve always imagined that I would have the same friends forever. Meeting at a young age, graduating high school together, attending the same college, becoming roommates, meeting a set of best friends, marrying them, being the godmothers to each others kids, and essential embarrassing each other until we died. That’s not real life Samantha, friendships do not always last (yes, I talk in third person, sue me). But what happens when you’re a socially awkward 22 year old girl in a a new city? Where do I find friends? FOR THESE QUESTIONS I DO NOT HAVE THE ANSWERS (okay, I also like to scream a lot as well).

Lucky for you bored people out there who stumbled across this blog or clicked on some shameless promoting link I posted I will be updating you on my quest for friends, a big girl job ( don’t worry this will be a very long post coming soon), possibly a boyfriend (three years single+socially awkward+a unique quirky looking face don’t really mix),a dog (preferably a cute lil pug) and a big girl apartment (by big girl I mean no roommates).

xo ♥ S